听
You know you鈥檝e watched too many drama or mystery programs on television when you utter the dialogue before the actors on the screen do.
I don鈥檛 know what they pay scriptwriters in Los Angeles and New York, but it can鈥檛 be much.
Comedy writers? They鈥檙e a bit different. Many of them show us talent in their powers of observation and fresh dialogue, sometimes. Their stuff is compromised though with ugly laugh tracks that tend to ruin true comedic dialogue.
Reality shows are the worst since they require next to nothing in terms of script preparation. They are the string bikinis of the wordy people.
I must admit my foibles here. I often watch Survivor, but honestly, I don鈥檛 think I can take much more of Jeff Probst yelling, 鈥淐ome on in guys,鈥� although it鈥檚 obvious there are some girls involved. He doesn鈥檛 seem to worry about gender equality.
鈥淒o you wanna know what you鈥檙e playing for?鈥� is the other classic line we hear weekly from Probst. Just once, I wish the contestants would flee the beach, yelling 鈥渘o not really Jeff, not that interested. Catch us tomorrow.鈥�
But they don鈥檛, they鈥檙e always excited about playtime.
And of course, he gets to mouth the immortal words, 鈥淚鈥檒l go tally the votes.鈥�
The rest of the time, he鈥檚 screaming play-by-plays of what we鈥檙e seeing, as if we can鈥檛 follow the action. For this, he is paid millions and has been for two decades. It鈥檚 kind of sad. It鈥檚 also kinda sad when I find ownself watching this drivel.
What other magnificent lines do we hear on television鈥檚 action and mystery shows?
鈥淐over me, I鈥檓 going in.鈥�
Or, if the script writer needs to spice it up a bit, it will be, 鈥淚鈥檓 going in, cover me.鈥�
That means, good guys fire lots of bullets at bad guys while the hero dodges bullets fired by bad guys, who have to shoot in haste because the good guys are 鈥渃overing him.鈥� It鈥檚 in the script.
If the action or tension gets too brisk, you can predict the sidekick will always ask, 鈥渟hould I call for backup?鈥�
The main guy always says no, because then he wouldn鈥檛 be getting the top salary since he鈥檇 have to share screen time with someone else. Backup is hardly ever called. They just show up 48 minutes into the one-hour production, counting commercials.
鈥� I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 haunted.鈥�
Another predictable line uttered. Again, you know backup will not be called.
鈥淟et鈥檚 roll.鈥�
Again, self explanatory. That鈥檚 what we get in 22-minute action episodes.
鈥淚 know he did it, but we can鈥檛 prove it.鈥�
This is the key line, usually spouted by the hero鈥檚 sidekick or female lead.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 have them, I thought you had them.鈥�
Another classic line. Sometimes it is re-written as, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 have it, I thought you had it.鈥� 鈥淭hem鈥� or 鈥渋t鈥� is something fairly important to advance the plot. The plot moves along when it is discovered who has 鈥渋t.鈥�
鈥淵a, I can access that account. Where鈥檚 the computer鈥�?鈥�
Again, self explanatory, a necessary line to advance the plot for any story that involves cyber activity of any kind, which means every program on television.
鈥淭here鈥檚 something I have to tell you. I鈥檝e been keeping it a secret.鈥�
Ya, OK, just keep it to yourself. I鈥檓 reading a book by a real author.
Whoever said television was the great wasteland, was correct, when it comes to writing scripts.听听
