Sometimes our friends get into a predicament and need our help, even if they don鈥檛 typically accept it.
We think that maybe this will be the time that they鈥檙e finally going to take the advice they鈥檝e solicited from us and we give it another go.
My friend has a guy problem. Her favourite guy friend is moving to British Columbia and although she鈥檚 had an on and off spiritual and physical connection, he鈥檚 off to be with the woman in B.C. whom he鈥檚 apparently loved for years but couldn鈥檛 make that kind of commitment.聽
She鈥檚 sad for herself but happy in some way that the issue of her and him being together seems to be a thing of the past.
She has another guy friend that she gets to hang out with when her ex has her kids, and oh, and by the way her other guy friend is married.聽
Stop right there, Your Holiness; this isn鈥檛 the place for moralizing. Or at least that kind of moralizing. Not right now. Let he or she who is without sin cast the first stone.
My friend and this now-married guy dated each other for a couple of months in university before she met her eventual ex-husband and kept in touch every so often. Paths would occasionally cross socially but she hadn鈥檛 heard from him in years until she was separated.聽
鈥淣o, he doesn鈥檛 want me like that. We鈥檙e just friends,鈥� she said when he first messaged her on Twitter when he saw her great aunt in a television news story for turning 100. I bet her a dollar that he wasn鈥檛 and it was the easiest dollar I鈥檝e ever made.
The first meeting was friendly with a hug at the end. The texts back and forth got flirtier and more like what you鈥檇 send to a woman you鈥檙e interested in.
The second meeting was not so platonic. The only real issue is that he鈥檚 married, apparently happily, and the wife apparently doesn鈥檛 know anything about this. All he has to do is say he is 鈥榳orking late鈥� and apparently he can get a few extra hours to meet with my friend.
She鈥檚 been hanging out with this married guy friend for over a year now in what is clearly a non-platonic situation, and because they live about an hour apart, it needs a bit of planning to even meet. So a couple of times a month, one will go to the other鈥檚 city and they鈥檒l do whatever they do and then split up till the next time.
So the other day she texts me that she had asked him about their future but he never really answered. Because why would he?
He gets the cake of being a married guy and the ability to eat it too that my friend provides. There is no future for her, certainly not at this point. If he鈥檇 had the desire to move on from his spouse, he certainly would have done it by now instead of a trip to California together that he and his wife had (and my friend got a lot of texts when his wife went to bed).
My friend said this guy is the nicest, most moral guy, except for the cheating on his wife part. Which seems like a reach no one should ever, ever make.
The biggest difference between being the 鈥榤istress鈥� and being the spouse, especially when there鈥檚 an hour鈥檚 drive there and back, is space. He gets to miss her, and tell her all about missing her, without seeing the imperfections in the cold light of morning.
He gets to text her about how he feels about her until his bedtime, and use all the flowery language in the poems of Elizabeth Barrett Browning times infinity, and then go to sleep with his back to his wife. He gets to tell my friend all about the kind of things that annoy him about his wife and then go out for coffee with same wife and talk about normal household stuff.
A relationship that has any kind of actual love attached to it means 鈥業 know you and I want to get to know you more鈥�, and they鈥檝e never even spent a full night together.聽
He鈥檚 had over a year to figure out if he actually wants to leave his wife (his second wife btw) and he hasn鈥檛 lifted a finger to move.
I鈥檝e told my friend to forget about him and move on to an attempt at a more serious relationship with someone else if she鈥檚 ready for that. I have a feeling in a few weeks I鈥檒l be getting an update that he still won鈥檛 talk about any future with her. And I鈥檒l have the same advice ready to be sent once again. 聽
That鈥檚 what old friends do for each other.聽
