鈥ㄢ�═his past winter, we did聽pretty well. As far as Prairie winters go, I'd like to thank El Ni帽o for a winter where the proportion of days during which it physically hurt to be outside were few and far between. I think I can easily count the number of days my beard froze on the walk to work. It was terrific.
But, in addition to the inevitable聽La Ni帽a to come,聽there's another backlash from a mild winter: the recurrence of insects. They鈥檒l be back with a vengeance,聽and probably with an early start.聽
In light of that, I've compiled a completely valid (entirely unscientific) series of protocols for what you can do, in the coming months, based on my own personal domestic insect extermination聽methods. These will prove infinitely useful when you encounter some of the local creepy-crawly fauna of the Energy City.
Maple Beetles/Boxelder Bugs: You know 'em, and you hate 'em. Who, in Estevan, doesn't recognize the ubiquitous "Halloween beetle?鈥� They're practically the mascot for the city in the summer 鈥� they're everywhere. They show up on the sidewalk, on your patio, occasionally even along the upper edge of your couch, interrupting what could have otherwise been a perfect Netflix marathon.鈥�
A woman who knows better than I do, advised me not to squash them, despite my impulse to do just that, when I find one crawling across my kitchen table at lunch. Why? Because crushing them makes a mess. (Seriously, how can such a small body hold that much gore and guts?)聽Slip a piece of paper under them 鈥� don't worry, they're usually too stunned to figure out what's going on, right away 鈥� and toss them out a window or door.
Lady Bugs: Apply the same extermination method as the maple beetle/boxelder bug. One of the few insects I cannot bring myself to harm.
Mosquitoes: Grab the nearest piece of clothing and flail it wildly through the air, in as many directions as you can. If you're lucky you might stun the insect, or at the very least, prevent it from getting near you. Bonus points if you knock over a lamp in the process. My personal record is two at the same time, with a towel.
Dragonflies: Unless you're really leery of dragonflies, why would you want to ward them off? They eat mosquitos. Heck, someone give me a call if they can figure out how to attract聽dragonflies. I think waving a hand around, or something, might get rid of them, if you absolutely must.
Spiders:Sorry, arachnophobia sufferers. I have no protocol for removing spiders, unless they鈥檙e in my bed, in which case I very craftily, very subtly crush the living hell out of them with the ham of my fist. Why get rid of them? Like those dragonflies, they鈥檙e doing some of the work for you.
Those giant (and I mean giant) beetles that crawl around at night, on the sidewalk: Draw back at least five full steps, babbling profanities. Gather up your courage from the pit in your stomach, utter a silent prayer to whomever you worship,聽grit your teeth and stomp on it directly, with the heel of your shoe. (Here's hoping you鈥檙e wearing a shoe, because I think those things bite.)鈥═hen stomp again. Stomp a third time, after that. You know what, stomp a few more times too, just to make sure. Yeah, it鈥檒l make a mess; but geez-Louise, look at the size of the thing.
Moths: I don鈥檛 get what people hate about moths. I have friends 鈥搈ale and female鈥攚ho鈥檝e shrieked like banshees and have physically run away upon discovering a robust moth inside their domicile. Moths are basically the fluffier, duller, less adorable cousin of the butterfly. They鈥檙e just misunderstood, like the mopey emo kids of the insect kingdom. 鈥ㄢ�↖f my rhetoric hasn鈥檛 moved you to compassion, here鈥檚 a strategy: Remember the spider I mentioned? It wove a web. Inevitably that klutz of a moth is going to bounce around every single corner of the room in which you find it, and get caught in that web. From that point on, you鈥檙e home free until whatever time you happen to move around furniture, months into the future, only to find the remains of the moth and the web. Sweep it up, and there you go, problem solved.
A corollary piece of advice; a聽barbecue lighter is not a valid, nor is it a safe means of moth removal. Please don鈥檛 ask me how I know this.
