It Pays to Fail
The enormous compensation CEOs of large corporations receive is justified in part by their bringing prosperity to their shareholders, but last year (an excellent one for most investors), two of the nation鈥檚 best-paid chief executives 鈥渆arned鈥� handsome raises despite presiding over losses: Philippe Dauman of Viacom Inc. (paid $44.3 million, stock lost 6.6 percent) and Jeffrey Immelt of General Electric (an 88 percent raise to $37.3 million, stock lost 6.7 percent). CEO Steven Newman of Transocean earned only $14.2 million, according to a June Wall Street Journal report, but that was a 2.2 percent boost 鈥� for stewardship that resulted in one of 2014鈥檚 biggest flops 鈥� Transocean鈥檚 59.9 percent loss for its shareholders.
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
鈥� The Japanese, especially, report a decline of intimacy (for instance, a recent estimate found that about a quarter of 30-year-olds had never had sex with another person) 鈥� convenient for a Kyoto research institute鈥檚 announcement in June that it had developed a huggable, human-sized, featureless pillow (resembling Casper the Friendly Ghost), with skin-like texture, to serve as an embraceable intimacy substitute. For people with actual lovers, the 鈥淗ugvie鈥� (retailing for the equivalent of $80) has a mouth slot for a cellphone to enable running sweet talk with a remote 鈥渃ompanion.鈥�
鈥� Redneck Marketing Challenges: (1) Scotty and Beverly Franklin of Springfield, Missouri, are trying to tempt cowboys to actually wear leather boots retrofitted to be open-toed sandals. KHOU-TV (Houston) reported that the Franklins would sandal-up your favorite pair for $75. (2) One of the more reviled consumer products of 2015 is a gun-shaped iPhone case, which so alarms police that it suddenly in early July became hard to find, even at the online Japan Trend Shop, which previously offered models from $5 to $49. Asked one officer, 鈥淲hy would you want to make yourself look like a threat (to cops)?鈥�
Family Values
In a recent BBC documentary, the son of renowned cosmologist Stephen Hawking (Tim, now 36) revealed that his dad is 鈥渉ugely competitive鈥� and showed him 鈥渘o compassion at all鈥� when he was growing up. Tim said two of his few avenues of coping with such a famous, oblivious father were when he used to race around in his dad鈥檚 specialized (and expensive) wheelchair (pretending it was a go-kart) and, for those deliciously awkward moments, adding cuss words to his father鈥檚 synthesized speech software.
Latest Religious Messages
鈥� Jihadists governing ISIS鈥� Euphrates province recently outlawed the popular hobby of breeding pigeons and threatened violators with flogging and imprisonment. The ban was initially thought to be aimed at frustrating pigeon-messaging to the outside world, but the published prohibition mentions other justifications 鈥� the hobby鈥檚 frivolity (wasting time that could better be spent praying) and the special offense to God (because pigeons are 鈥渦ncovered,鈥� with exposed genitals).
鈥� God Is Love: (1) In a June YouTube video reported by various news sites, Tempe, Arizona, pastor Steven Anderson (Faithful Word Baptist Church) prayed for God to 鈥渞ip out the heart鈥� of Caitlyn Jenner, for whom Anderson expresses 鈥渁 perfect hatred鈥� for announcing she was no longer Bruce. (2) On his 鈥�700 Club鈥� TV program in June, Pat Robertson patiently explained to a grieving mother why God could have allowed her 3-year-old son to die of illness 鈥� that God saw the big picture and knew, for instance, that the kid could have become a serial killer or contracted a hideous disease, and that she should be relieved that God took him early.
Can鈥檛 Stop Myself
Esteban Rocha, 51, was arrested in June in Placerville, California, and charged with exposing himself to a woman 鈥� about 25 minutes after Rocha had left the Placerville Police Department, where he had dutifully gone to register his location so that police could keep track of him.
Leading Economic Indicators
Sweden has unemployment issues, like most countries, but, still, the Oliver & Eva sex shop was not prepared for the deluge when the nation鈥檚 Employment Service website posted its opening to hire a 鈥渟ex toy tester.鈥� Until the service was forced to pull the announcement, applications were coming in at the rate of one every 20 seconds, with 14,000 emails greeting the employer the first morning. The sex shop emphasized that the tester must be 鈥渄riven,鈥� 鈥渕ethodical鈥� and 鈥渨ith patience鈥� and a knowledge of Microsoft Excel.
Recurring Themes
News of the Weird tracks the 鈥渁rmed and clumsy,鈥� who can鈥檛 avoid shooting themselves accidentally, but then there are these guys: (1) Adam Hirtle, 30, of Colorado Springs, Colorado, checked into a hospital on June 10 after intentionally shooting himself in the foot with a .22-caliber handgun 鈥� twice, 鈥渃urious鈥� to see how it felt (with and without his boot to compare pain levels). (2) Jeremiah Raber, 38, recently commenced a crowdfunding campaign for a kids鈥� sports version of his 鈥淣utshellz鈥� jockstrap 鈥� according to Raber the strongest such apparel in the world, made from breakthrough 鈥淒yneema鈥� (supposedly half the weight of Kevlar but twice as strong). Recently, using a 鈥�.22 long rifle,鈥� Raber had business partner Matt Heck shoot him directly in the delicate area, but according to Raber, he felt just a 鈥渢ap.鈥�
Aerobatic Drivers
(1) A 79-year-old woman in Markgroeningen, Germany, hit a ditch coming down a hill and flipped through a wall into the second floor of a storage depot, resulting in only minor injuries (June). (2) A woman driving 100 mph on a freeway near Leicester, England, lost control of her car, which somehow wound up in a tree about 20 feet above the roadway. She and a passenger climbed down and walked away (May)..
Least Competent Criminals
One Flaw in the Game Plan: Gary Elliott, 19, was arrested shortly after someone had ripped a hole in the ceiling of Al鈥檚 Army Navy store in Orlando, Florida, and 鈥� expertly shimmying down a rope, then back up 鈥� made off with about 70 guns in a bag. Mminutes after the burglary, Elliott came to a police officer鈥檚 attention on the street, bleeding, carrying the large bag 鈥斅� and pedaling away on his 鈥済etaway鈥� vehicle, which was a genuine tricycle (yes -- three wheels!).
